But Now I Have You And I Need Not Fear Pain
by fanficchica123
Summary: Kousei has had many heartbreaks through his life but there has always been someone in his life who's helped mend his bruised heart. Even now, in death, there is someone to heal him and make sure that his loving self stays whole forever. Warnings: Character Death/ Abundance of Feels
**Chip and Mend**

 **A.N: So...I took the leap of watching a new anime...and now I'm regretting every second of my life! My feels were hella strong after watching the last episode and so this has come about; because god _damn_ , I NEED Kousei and Kaori to be together! **

**I hope you all enjoy and I apologize for any errors you might find. I try to do regular reads to make sure there are no typos.**

 **Warnings: Character Death/ Over Abundance of Feels**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own 'Your Lie In April' nor do I own the cover art. It's beautiful and if anyone knows the creator, please let me know so that I may credit them.**

 _Ooo_

He's five the first time his mother hits him. It comes out of nowhere and he's not expecting it because she's never raised a hand on him.

But one moment, his finger slips and lands on the wrong key. The next, there's a cane swinging at him that gets him right across the arm.

There's a numbness at first and he freezes at the red welt that's rising on his arm. Then the pain hits and he's crying on top of his mother's screams. She hits him again, this time across the face and tells him to stop crying.

The force of the hit knocks his glasses askew and the pure rage in his mother's eyes makes him stifle the sobs with his tiny fist.

They go over the piece ten more times before Saki lets him go to bed and by then, Mozart's No.17 in G-Major is ringing away in his head as his fingers twitch with muscle memory.

Kousei lays his head down on the pillow and winces when his arm rubs against the blanket. It is the first time his mother hits him and as he pulls the blanket over himself, he vows that he's going to play better so that his sweet and loving mother will get better and won't ever hit him again.

It is the first lie he tells himself and the first time that his tears begin chipping away at his small heart.

 _Ooo_

His mom is dead and he's not touched the piano in two years. He never planned on touching it again.

That's before a crazy violinist barrels her way into his life, smacks him for being a pervert and then demands he be her accompanist. His protests are met with a kick to the head and several other injures so Kousei stops protesting for the sake of his sanity and physical health and begins playing again.

He completely bombs their first attempt together and he thinks that Kaori will hate him now that he's got them disqualified and he's preparing himself for yet another bruise on his body.

But Kaori only turns and smiles at him and says, "Let's go again" and they do and it's beautiful.

Then Kaori tells him they've been invited to play at a concert and the piece she chooses both hurts and soothes his soul at the same time.

He practices 'Love's Sorrow' with her day and night and he slowly falls in love and he's thinking that he might be okay on stage if she's there next to him as they play his mother's old lullaby.

But Kaori never shows up on the day and that middle-schooler insults her by calling her an undisciplined violinist but Kousei doesn't let it shake him. Because her indiscipline is what brought him back to the piano and has made him face his demons.

So he goes on stage and bows to the audience. He sets himself at the piano, ignoring the murmurs of dissent from the crowd; all who want their beautiful and expressive violinist, not some traumatised pianist.

But Kousei pushes that all away and he places his fingers on the ivory keys. He takes a deep breath and then…he plays.

The music is harsh and angry and he's afraid, because that's not how it's supposed to go! The lullaby is supposed to be sad and sweet but it doesn't sound like that and _no_ , he's being sucked into the blackness again!

But then Kaori's there and her smiles lights up his dark world and everything shifts. His fingers slow and they press the keys gently, lovingly.

And suddenly he's four again, sleeping under the piano and his mom is there but there are no tears or bruises or blood or terrible last words said in anger.

Kousei plays and his mom is there and he remembers tinkling piano notes, warm hugs and caresses on his cheek. He plays and remembers the scent of jasmine and wood that always followed his mother, her laugh, her proud smile, her love.

Kousei plays and he remembers his mother's love and he finally says goodbye as he pulls his fingers away from the keys and hears the last note rings in the silence of the auditorium.

He stands, bows again to the roaring crowd and stumbles back into the wings and into Hiroko's arms and Kousei cries.

For the first time in a long time, Kousei cries and his chipped heart slowly begins to mend.

 _Ooo_

He finds out why Kaori never showed up to the concert and the reason shakes him to his very core. It doesn't matter how old he is; it seems the woman he loves will always be taken from him.

Kousei feels fragile but Tsubaki and Watari are not his best friends for nothing and they do a pretty good job of distracting him and even Kaori promises him that she's getting better.

He thinks things are finally going back to normal; Kaori will leave the hospital soon and she'll play with him on stage again and smack him when he starts getting miserable and mopey again and he'll finally tell Miyazono Kaori that he loves her.

Then he's hiding from the rain, drinking lemonade with his best friend of almost 12 years and Tsubaki ridicules him about the fact that he loves the blonde violinist. The words are meant to be harsh but this doesn't faze him; this is Tsubaki and she's always been like this.

Nothing Tsubaki says fazes him anymore.

Then she tells him she loves him and his heart stops as he turns to her.

He says nothing because what _can_ he say? He never saw _this_ coming.

Then Tsubaki kicks him in the shin and runs off in the rain, tears streaming down her face.

His own eyes smart with tears but its not because of the pain radiating through his leg. It's because he realizes that something has shifted between the two of them and things will never be the same.

A tear runs down Kousei's face as he watches his best friend run away from him for the first time in his life and he curses as his mended heart begins to crack again.

 _Ooo_

He's 15 years old but the heartbreak is still the same. The numbing pain hasn't left him as he stands next to Kaori's parents in a snowy cemetery and they hand him a letter with his name on it.

He bows to them respectfully in goodbye but the two pastry chefs surprise him by pulling him into their arms and thank him for being their daughter's friend and for making her smile.

Kousei doesn't answer but they don't fault him for it and they watch in silence as the boy leaves.

The weeks go by and the snow starts to melt and the letter stays in his jacket. He takes it out when he walks home from school, when he walks to Hiroko's home and even when he just sits at his piano but he never reads it.

He doesn't have the courage to do that yet. He doesn't cry either, because he doesn't have any more tears to shed. So he goes through the days, pushing away the numbing ache and idly realizes how distant he and Tsubaki have become and how Watari's smiles aren't as easy and open as they once were.

Then one morning he wakes up and realizes that it's spring and that it's been a year since he first met Miyazono Kaori.

The memory makes his heart hurt but he pushes it away and gets ready to go to school.

It happens when he's on his way to Hiroko's for Nagi's lesson. He's walking past an open alleyway and for no reason, he turns his head and he sees it.

A black cat. That's it.

And Kousei remembers Chelsea and how he let himself betray that beautiful animal because she hurt him once and he pushed her away.

Then Kousei feels ashamed because he's doing it again; he's been betraying Kaori by pushing the memory of her away because she hurt him.

Something in him clicks at that knowledge and he reaches in to pull out the slightly crumpled envelope that's been nesting in his jacket for the last few months and he _finally_ , breaks the seal.

He reads and Kousei hears Kaori speaking the words to him and he smiles as she insults him and praises him in one breath.

He gapes when he finds out she'd always been in the same middle school as him and that she wore glasses (he wonders how she would have looked with glasses and decides that she'd still be beautiful).

His heart twinges when she talks about seeing her parents crying in the hospital lobby but it throbs happily when Kaori finally makes the decision to live the remainder of her days as fully and freely as she could.

His yell scares away the birds when she confesses about the only lie she's ever told but he doesn't fault her for it because yes, it brought him and Kaori together.

She apologizes for hurting Watari and Tsubaki and Kousei decides that it's time to make amends with his friends again. They deserve that much from him after all they've done. After all, they loved Kaori too.

He smiles when Kaori asks him not to forget her; he sees her in his mind and he promises. He won't ever forget her.

And then he gets to the end of the letter and he sees it.

 _Here's the truth Kousei._

 _I love you! I love you!_

 _I love you._

 _I'm sorry for everything._

 _Thank you._

And Kousei can't help it. His heart soars as he hears Kaori say those words in his head and a tear tracks its way down his cheek and onto the kitty stationary.

Kaori loved him and he loved her.

She thanked him for making her smile but Kousei knows who deserves the real thanks. Kaori was the one who brought him out of his shell, who pushed him back into life despite his constant protests, who made his dark life colorful and he's never going to stop being grateful for it.

He's still crying a bit as he walks home but they're happy tears and he laughs when his heart begins to mend again.

 _Ooo_

When he opens his eyes, Kousei knows he's dead.

It's not particularly surprising, given that he's almost a 100 years old. And it's not too difficult to figure out either.

A few minutes ago, he was 98 and fast asleep in a comfortable bed and in pajamas. Now he wakes up sitting upright in a chair wearing a navy suit and he's looking down at long fingers that's unmarked with old age.

So, yeah… pretty good chance that he's dead. Or in a really good dream.

There's a knock behind him and Kousei gives a yelp as he jumps up, overturning his chair in the process. He turns to see a white haired man quirking an eyebrow and leaning on the doorway, with a clipboard and wearing a backstage helper uniform.

"Jumpy one aren't you? You okay there Arima?"

Kousei's breathing hard but he straightens up and nods, "Yeah. I'm fine. Well, I'm dead so technically I'm not fine but…uhh…sorry, you are-"

"Death. Nice to meet you. I'm glad to see you're taking this well. Others have a hard time believing. Even though, it's procedure to do this. Please hold your questions till the end."

Death flips through his clipboard and begins in a monotone, "Welcome Arima Kousei. You are dead. I am the God of Death. This is not a dream, this is heaven. We'll be taking a nice long walk down this hallway behind me to have a look at your life and then decide where you should go. Now, do you have any questions?"

Kousei blinks and then, "If you're the God of Death, why do you look like a backstage helper? And why does heaven look like the back of a recital hall?"

Death laughs, "Heaven changes on the perception of each person and what makes them comfortable. It helps for a peaceful transition into the afterlife. Heaven for you is a recital hall and backstage helpers because this is where you've been most comfortable. However, heaven for your friend, Watari Ryota-"

"Watari's here? What about Tsubaki? And Kao-"

"Pardon _me_ ; but interrupting the God of Death is _not_ a good idea."

Only then does Kousei notice that the God's eyes; which had been a calming grey a few minutes ago, is now completely pitch black and the temperature in the room has dropped a couple of degrees.

Kousei gulps, nods meekly and bows in apology. "Forgive me. I didn't mean to speak out of turn."

Death grins and claps a hand on the pianist's shoulder, making Kousei yelp, "Ah, you mortals never 'mean to do' anything. But yes, your friends are here and we shall hopefully meet them soon. Come along now. It's almost your turn."

Then the God of Death turns and walks out the door, leaving Kousei to run behind him, "My turn for what?"

"You'll see. Now come along."

Kousei has another question ready on his lips as he follows Death but then they turn a corner and suddenly he can't find the words.

Because he's in a long hallway that seems to have no end, with Death at his side and the hallway is filled with photo frames, all which picture him.

"What is this?"

"This is your life, Arima Kousei. Down this passage, you shall see the way you have lived your life. You shall see your sins, your good deeds. You will make this journey alone and at the end of the hallway, we shall see if you may enter utopia."

"I thought _this_ was utopia."

"No. This is merely a place where you will not suffer mortal pains. At the end I shall ask you one question and if your answer pleases me, you may go forward. If not, know that there is a chance of you wandering these halls with no clear destination for the rest of your days."

Then Death is gone and Kousei is all by himself in the long hallway. He gulps and looks towards the photographs of his life. He's done his best to live as good a life as possible but, he can admit to having committed mistakes. He's hurt people and lied but it was never intentional and he's always tried to do good to the people around him and for that he's proud of himself.

So Kousei takes a deep breath and looks ahead, "Alright then. Let's go and find out if I'm fit for utopia."

He steps forward and Kousei sees his life backwards from the time of his death.

He sees himself teaching his students, sitting in a wheelchair behind the piano bench and conducting pieces. He always took great pride in his students, especially when they poured their heart and soul into the pieces they played. But then he sees himself yelling at students in frustration when they played without emotion or heart and it reminds him of Kaori and her anger at him when he played without feeling.

Kousei always felt the utmost regret at his actions when his students left his class in tears or shame. He'd been a harsh teacher; much like his own mother, but he was good at what he did and his students came back. Because he asked for perfection in the form of emotional performances and when they did do as he asked, his students were amazing.

He continues on and sees himself clasping hands with a bed ridden Watari who has been crippled by old age and further down, he sees himself hugging the prone figure of Tsubaki, tears running down his face. His beautiful wife had left him at the age of 86 due to a heart attack and Watari followed two years later.

Kousei stands there looking at his two best friends but he doesn't let himself feel sad; he's pretty sure he's going to see them soon. So he moves forward and finds himself hugging his two children; Kaolei, a sports announcer in her later years and a softball pitcher when she was young and his son, Tomei, an acclaimed cellist. Seeing his son playing the cello often reminded Kousei of a certain blonde and when he did accompany his son on the piano, the familiarity of the moment would make the pianist's heart ache.

The next few pictures aren't pleasant. He sees himself fighting with Tsubaki and his kids over things that he can't even remember now. He sees himself raising a hand against his daughter in anger once and pushing his son to tears with constant demands for perfection in his music and the memories makes Kousei close his eyes in shame. He loved his kids more than anything but he knew he'd made mistakes and for that he was sorry. He whispers an apology softly and hopes that it reaches them before he continues on.

He sees himself with Tsubaki in the hospital after her pregnancies, both of them sitting side by side on the bed, the new mother holding her son and Kousei holding his daughter. It's one of his favorite memories. He's glad he was never there for the actual labour though. The memory of Tsubaki cursing him through closed doors gave him a lot more nightmares than he likes to think about. But he remembers being eternally grateful when Tsubaki looked down at their daughter and says that she's naming her Kaolei after their friend and Kousei remembers tearing up a bit.

Its funny how much Kaori influenced his life even after her death and Kousei knows that it was because she was such an exceptional person herself that she couldn't help but impact the people around her.

Kousei smiles and walks ahead and sees himself marrying Tsubaki in a traditional ceremony at 22 with Hiroko, Watari and all his friends in attendance. He chuckles at the memory. Tsubaki had turned out to be the one with cold feet since she tried to run away 10 minutes before the ceremony. Hiroko tackled her to the floor and Emi sat atop her and that's where they stayed until it had been time for the ceremony.

What most makes him laugh about the memory of his wedding were the surprise announcements halfway through the reception. Takeshi had spent the ceremony thanking his lucky stars that Kousei had gotten over Nagi and that she was unsoiled by his 'vile' influence and the younger girl; being quite fed up with her brother's unfounded accusations, turned and yanked Watari forward by his tie, kissing him soundly on his lips.

In the midst of shocked gasps and her brother's fish-like gaping, Nagy announced that she had been going out with the soccer player in secret for almost six months now and would her brother stop being a baka now, thank you very much.

Takeshi's rage induced response was effectively cut off by Emi, who simply yanked the spiky blonde forward by his neck and planted one right on him. And that was how everyone learned about the brunette's feelings for the blonde pianist.

Kousei chuckles at the photograph and walks on. He sees himself playing piano at various concert halls. Kousei had become a world renowned pianist by the age of 35 and his fame had taken him halfway around the globe. He hadn't stopped playing even when it became too cumbersome to sit on a piano bench and instead he would push aside the stool and play, sitting in his wheelchair.

He goes on, seeing himself going on dates with Tsubaki and fighting with her and proposing to her outside her home. He sees himself walking across the stage on graduation day with a degree in his hand, with his family cheering him on.

And then he sees himself in a hospital room with a blonde violinist who has never left his memory and Kousei's breath hitches. Her sickness makes her look weak and brittle but to Kousei, Kaori still looks beautiful and seeing her makes his heart soar.

The rest of the photographs differ in nature. A few are of him and Kaori practicing late at night or eating canelés. Some are him with Tsubaki and Watari; three friends just hanging out.

He sees himself getting smaller and smaller and he feels his heart twinge when he sees himself at 10 years, blood and tears mixing and running down his cheek and those terrible words he blurted out in anger against his mother.

But there are photographs of him lying under the piano while his mother plays away above him and Kousei feels the slightest bit better. He loved his mother and he knew his mother loved him. She wanted him to be able to care for himself and though her methods had been cruel, they had served as a foundation to his independent nature and his own teaching style later on.

Kousei watches himself grow younger until he stops at the last picture and he smiles. Saki, unaffected by age or sickness is holding him close to her chest and little baby Kousei slumbers on, unknowing of how his world was to change so drastically at a young age.

He knows it's coming but the bespectacled pianist still gives a yelp when Death appears next to him.

"Still jumpy aren't ya?"

"I'm sorry but it takes a little getting used to; seeing people poof in and out."

"I do not poof. I disappear. It is a very stark difference." Death looks a little bit affronted but he shakes his head and gestures at the long list of photo frames that are now behind Kousei.

"So, what do you think of your life, Arima? Is it a worthy one?"

Kousei glances backwards and smiles. When he answers, it's without hesitancy.

"No it's not. I made a lot of mistakes in my life. I hurt people with my words and I'm not proud of it. But I regretted those mistakes and did my best to do right by the people I had wronged. I did all I could to be the best me I could be and if I did that with a few bumps in the road, well…no one said life was easy right? I lived a good life, with good people and though some didn't stay long, they certainly left their impact for a long time. So yeah, my life was not worthy but it was good."

Death just looks at Kousei for a minute or so before smiling, "Not a great answer but not terrible either. It'll do. Very well, Arima. You've made your point. Now go on. It's your turn."

And suddenly Death's gone and so is the hallway and he's in the wings of a stage looking out at a majestic grand piano waiting for him.

It takes no thought process at all.

He sees the piano and Kousei steps forward. He doesn't know what he's going to play but he moves forward with confidence and walks until he's near the beautiful instrument.

Then he turns to the auditorium and he sees it. See _them_.

Tsubaki, Watari, Hiroko, his mother, Emi, Takeshi and so many more people whom he's known in his lifetime are there sitting in the velvet seats and when he turns to them, they cheer.

He sees his mother standing next to Hiroko and the pride and apology is clear from where he stands. Tsubaki and Watari scream and cheer and he sees the love and affection they've held for him all these years. He sees Takeshi and Emi and both give him cool, confident smiles and their smirks issue a challenge and he is glad that they haven't lost their competitive edge in the afterlife.

He bows to all of them and feels his heart ache with happiness. He sets himself at the piano bench and places his fingers on the keys.

And then he stops. Because he has no idea what to play. The cheers of his family die down but there is no discord from them; only a calm anticipation. Kousei looks towards them, hoping that inspiration will strike but nothing happens.

That's when he hears it.

The soft beginnings of the violin.

He turns so fast, he's pretty sure he might have given himself whiplash but it doesn't matter. Because Kaori is walking towards him, violin held up to her cheek and a content look on her face. And his memory has not done her justice. He never forgot her, but time and age had dimmed the bright sparkle of her grey eyes and the vibrant sheen of her blonde hair.

He stands as she comes closer and Kaori takes the violin away from her face to smile at him.

"Hey you. Miss me?"

Kousei smiles back, fingers itching by his side to reach out and touch her, "Every second of my life. I never stopped Kaori."

"I know. You even half named your daughter after me. That's a big deal."

"It was." Kousei looks at her for a second and then, "Did you miss me?"

"I did. This might be terrible to say but I'm glad you're here. It means that we have a chance."

And then Kaori looks at him with doubt on her features, "Do we have a chance?"

Kousei doesn't hesitate. He takes the violin and bow away from her and sets them on top of the piano. Then he picks up her hands and links his fingers through her own, "We do. I've been waiting for it my whole life Kaori. I love you."

And then he lets go of her fingers, pulls her forward and for the first time in 83 years, Arima Kousei kisses Miyazono Kaori.

His arms tighten around her waist and hers wind up behind his neck and he can feel her fingers coiling through his hair. He's gentle but she's as passionate as ever. When they pull away, there are bright smiles on both their faces and Kaori pecks him on the cheek, "I love you too, you baka. Now, enough kissing; we have eternity for that. It's time for our performance. You know what to do."

She picks up the violin and her bow and readies herself. Kousei sets himself back onto the piano bench and places his fingers back onto the ivory keys. The two share a single glance and then…

They play.

It is perfect and beautiful and there are cheers all around them as they play as one, weaving through the notes and gliding past tempos and Kousei knows that all is right in his world.

He looks to Kaori and Tsubaki and Watari and his mother and he plays with happiness and with no fear.

Because his heart doesn't hurt anymore.

It is whole and bright and he has no more fear of it ever chipping away again.

It's only there to love Kaori. And he now has eternity for that.

 _Ooo_

 **A.N: So, did I make you cry? Make you laugh? Do you kinda wanna punch me? Let me know in a review! Thanks for reading!**

 **A.N EDIT: I posted this last night and a reviewer mentioned that I sidelined Tsubaki towards the end but I want to make this clear. Tsubaki loves Kousei and he loved her as well...but I believe that Tsubaki knew that Kousei was hers only for this lifetime. Kaori is Kousei's soulmate and in the afterlife, she's going to give them that chance. I hope I've explained this well but don't worry; Tsubaki will find bliss** **in the afterlife** **, even if it's not with Kousei.**


End file.
